By Toyin Falola

It goes without saying that Nigerian society occasionally produces a socially acceptable parlance.
As in the past, many of these phrases come from either naturally existing words that are
redefined or subtle ideas that gain publicity and then enjoy public patronage. It is impossible to determine how these words came into use; however, we usually know the event that brought them into the limelight.

“Men dey” is the latest phrase to gain traction and carry more meaning than the original
speaker intended. It first became popular through Anyidons’ song of the same name, which, in its simplest form, means there are men out there with the money and the willingness to pay the bills, buy the gifts, and fund the lifestyle a woman desires. It also carries the idea that if one man will not, another will. The phrase is delivered with a shrug and a laugh, which may be why it spreads.
But a phrase with this kind of social acceptance deserves a slower reading to understand and fish out the subtle meanings and humor masked underneath. From a holistic standpoint, this discourse is a serious inquiry into how sociocultural ideas could inform how we think of love, provision, and choice.

It would be dishonest to dismiss the truth of this statement. No one doubts the fact that
wealthy and capable men exist, generous enough to fund lifestyles. At the same time, it’s natural
to look for something better when things no longer work. This instinct is as old as humans
themselves. We do not expect anyone to be bound by any obligation and remain in persistent disrespect or neglect, knowing fully well that there is a door. It is equally balanced to add that knowing there is an alternative restores a sense of worth for people in any difficult situation. This universal logic works well outside the binds of romance. The under-employed graduate can stay inspired to seek more, knowing there are better opportunities out there. Having standards is not vanity, and believing that something better exists is not arrogance.

The whole idea becomes problematic as soon as “men dey” starts answering questions it
was never built for. From every angle, this phrase answers only one question: whether men of this caliber exist. It does not speak for any other thing. It does not answer for a fact whether these men are available to you nor whether they are interested in what you offer. It also does not answer how many such men truly exist. For what it is worth, only a few percent who earn that well are single, kind, and ready to commit. This excludes others who fit but fall outside these categories. Take sugar daddies as examples. It is more interesting that everyone searching for that single special person is searching in the same small pool. It is easier to end up with an  empty basket here than anywhere else.

For balance, this habit isn’t peculiar to one gender. The phrase may use masculine
language, but the central idea has played out both ways. The belief that someone more attractive, more outgoing, or more agreeable is one way to put it. The arithmetic here is identical, because both versions assume the next option will beat the person in front of us simply because it is another option. These assumptions are partly informed by what we see. Social media is full of displays. We see the holiday, the gifting, the grand proposal, but not the efforts that led to it.

In many cases, we miss the compromises, debts, or sacrifices behind them. In an
economy where financial pressure and the need for safety are real, a partner’s income can easily make us question our choices. Slowly, we let other people’s lives become a benchmark, wanting what we think we deserve instead of what works for us.

For a long time, people have always negotiated between the choices available to them
and the ones they believe they deserve. Marriage in many societies, including ours, was once shaped largely by family alliance, property, and standing, and the rise of personal choice brought freedom. Today, technology has widened the shelf. Available choices no longer matter. It makes us wonder whether relationships are now pure transactions.

Honestly, the answer is both. It would be unfair to pretend otherwise. Relationships are
transactional. A partner gives time, attention, effort, money, and patience and reasonably expects something commensurate in return. Provision is one of the few ways to communicate commitment, and anyone who believes otherwise has never watched a young couple argue about basic needs. In this context, reciprocity is not the problem. The concern here is that lines have been crossed many times, making the exchange the essence of the relationship. We’ve reached a point where people are valued only for what they can offer. Anything less gets them replaced. A bond built on this shaky foundation does not survive the test of time.

Perhaps a little exercise could help clarify our perspectives on modern relationships. One
can start by listing what we require in a relationship and then list beside it what we are willing to give or have given in the relationship. In many cases, it is easier to list what we expect of the other but much harder to list what we give. Contribution is not only income. It can be care, steadiness, honesty, the willingness to build, or sacrifices nobody else sees. Relationships should not be a balance sheet. It requires a lot more than funding. What matters is that both people recognize what the other contributes while holding each other to expectations that fit the stage of life they are actually in. Holding someone at the start of their career to the standard of someone twenty years ahead isn’t high standards. It is a mismatch.

A balanced approach need not be complicated. For starters, sort your standards honestly.
Communicate clearly on the must-haves, such as character, mutual respect, and safety;
understand the difference between genuine needs, such as financial responsibility and open
communication; and preferences or good-to-haves. Do not negotiate the first one. Be open about the second and be willing to reduce expectations on preferences. Money talks should happen early and plainly to avoid disrespect and limit expectations.

Men dey, no doubt. But when it involves another woman’s man, a married man
especially, men should not dey there at all. A few women lack the decency and sanity of mind to leave married men out of their dating pool. Instead, there are girls as young as twenty years old who specifically and brazenly go after married men. Their reason? These men have the money and resources to sponsor the lifestyle they want. Some go so far as to “lock” these men to squeeze out whatever they want from them.

Meanwhile, the wife who suffered and labored with the man to attain the level of wealth
these wild girls are now salivating over is going from one mountain to another, prayer house to prayer house, to pray for her husband and secure her marriage.

Say to the wicked: The day of recompense draws near!

Men dey; what we make of this determines what choices we make in our dealings and
expectations from others. We should ensure we are as valuable as what we demand. It is
important to think about who you are and what values you bring.

Because if men truly dey, will they choose you?