By Toyin Falola
“You don’t know who is important to you until you lose them.”
Mahatma Gandhi
“Comradeship is not friendship.”
Toyin Falola
Life is a vast and ever-evolving journey. However, the connections we forge enrich it. Journeying through the hurdles of life, friendship emerges as a dynamic element, a bond that endures all circumstances, providing comfort during challenging periods and magnifying happiness in moments of triumph. Friendship can take many forms: Childhood friendships, often born out of shared laughter and playground adventures, lay the confidence of trust and acceptance. As we become older, friendship evolves to include things like common interests, thought-provoking conversations, and a secure place to be vulnerable. The road of life is rarely easy, as there are times when we feel lost, heartbroken, and doubtful. These are moments when the power of friendship is felt the most.
As I have said repeatedly, anyone who cannot stand by you during emotional distress or downfall is not your friend. My loyalty to friendship is in excess: When my Agugu friend was mistakenly accused of being an armed robber, I proclaimed loud and clear that he was my friend, and I attended the execution ground where he was shot. I wanted to be shot along with him. One of the first things I did after my first degree was to spend three years of my life in search of the records to exonerate him. If a friend of mine is sick, I fall sick and lose my balance. Any friendship that has not been tested remains immature. Igba iponju la mo’re, a Yoruba proverb warns. Let calamities befall you, and many of your friends will disappear.
Nothing comes easy in life, and as such, friendship is not always a straightforward path. Occasionally, those who care for us the most may deliberately or accidentally harm us. This may be termed as the “blows of friendship.” Even though they are unpleasant, these “blows” are sometimes essential for growth and development. Sincere criticism is one way by which friends can deal with each other, as true friends don’t hesitate to call our shortcomings to attention, even if it makes us uncomfortable. Winston Churchill, a former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, once said, “Criticism is essential, although it may be disagreeable at times. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.” Accepting the notion that criticism is inevitable is tantamount to acknowledging Aristotle’s position that criticism is only evaded after one’s demise.
The venom of criticism is most felt, especially if it strikes a deep-seated insecurity. Situations like these make us feel either defensive or ashamed. On the contrary, a situation like this might just serve as a stimulus for personal growth. Betrayal is another bridge that separates allies. This may involve the breach of a promise or the revelation of a secret. Betrayal destroys trust, which is essential to friendship. A breach of trust undermines the fundamental pillar of any relationship. Friends can also perpetrate harm unknowingly through a careless remark or making an insensitive joke. These unintended hurts highlight the significance of empathy and understanding among friends. However, we can avert future setbacks and foster a more conscientious bond by transparently sharing our emotions and gaining insight from one another.
Time and place are other blows that puncture friendship. As the saying goes, “Twenty children cannot play for twenty years,” so the two highly influential factors that attest to this saying are time and place. These elements can alter our friendships subtly or profoundly as life progresses. As the plane of time flies, the accumulation of shared experiences creates a sentimental moment of recollections that serves as the bedrock for trust and closeness. While time separates friends, communication suffers, and a relaxed atmosphere prevails, thus making friends unbothered about one another. Time is a thief; it steals our empathy with hectic schedules and conflicting priorities; these can all contribute to a gradual erosion of built connections. Once-inseparable companions may find themselves drifting apart, and their conversations filled with long gaps, making it evident that they no longer share lives intimately.
Likewise, location significantly influences the formation of friendships. Friends may be compelled to maintain long-distance relationships that demand additional effort due to the barrier of geography. The transmission from sharing physical experiences to having virtual interactions that lack the immediacy and intimacy of face-to-face connection becomes more challenging. Additionally, cultural distinctions that result from relocating can create a chasm, as individuals who were once companions in their daily lives may find themselves struggling to understand each other’s new realities. Insecurity is another factor that affects friendships. Through constant comparison, the phantom of insecurity subtly signals that we are deficient when we observe our peers attaining success, establishing fresh relationships, or getting more attention. This may result in feelings of jealousy, peer pressure, or withdrawal. Friendships hence become rivalry when the fear of being left behind overshadows the joy of another’s accomplishment.
When the blows of friendships attain their climax, mediation often emerges as a beacon of hope, an opportunity to mend the rift and reignite the companionship. However, in the event that a mediation effort fails, the subsequent steps become ambiguous, causing both parties to contend with the consequences. The consequences of a failed mediation can be multifaceted. For the friends involved, it may result in frustration and a feeling of helplessness, thereby exacerbating preexisting tensions. Several variables may contribute to a rejected mediation, and one common reason is the lack of preparation. Firstly, mediation depends on honest communication—a skill usually lacking in insecure relationships. The sheer essence of insecurity fuels mistrust and caution. Friends who lack trust could be reluctant to really express themselves during a mediation process, therefore impeding a clear understanding of the problems. Moreover, the mediator could also find it difficult to negotiate the emotional minefield of insecurity, where prior hurts and anxieties can easily resurface and so distort the mediation process.
Also, mediation sometimes seeks compromise—a notion antithetical to the main causes of insecurity. Insecurities are often intensely personal, and fears result from individuals’ weaknesses and experiences. Compromising these vulnerabilities could seem fake and make the insecure friend more worried. For instance, a friend who feels constantly belittled may struggle to compromise on the need for more respectful communication. As mediation presupposes a readiness to progress, insecurity becomes cyclical. A perceived offence or miscommunication could easily erode the mediation process, thereby making the process abortive. This constant fluctuation makes it challenging to rebuild the damaged foundation of the friendship.
Why do mediations fail? Mediation is the cheapest approach to settle scores, but mediators do not always produce the expected results. However, understanding the reasons behind these failures is crucial for improving the mediation process. Lack of preparation is one of the major elements contributing to ineffective mediation. Friends may arrive with unrealistic expectations and little knowledge of the issue at hand. This unpreparedness hinders effective communication and makes it harder for the mediator to find common ground. A lack of emotional preparedness might also throw off the process. Deep-seated bitterness or anger might cause people to be reluctant to listen or compromise, therefore creating a hostile environment that hinders reconciliation. Mediation can also fail because of power disparities among friends. Should one side have a major financial or other advantage, the lesser party could feel pressured to agree to an unjust settlement or might be reluctant to express their worries for fear of retaliation. This creates an unfair playing field that makes it difficult for the mediator to help enable a fair and balanced negotiation.
Moreover, the choice of a mediator might greatly influence the outcome. An unskilled mediator may lack the necessary skills to navigate cumbersome situations and de-escalate conflict. Furthermore, the nature of the conflict itself affects the success of mediation. Mahatma Gandhi says, “You don’t know who is important to you until you lose them.” The scars which mar friendship during these difficult times may be a reminder that we should not only appreciate people when they are gone, as absence can make the heart grow fonder. Loss, on the other hand, can be an excruciating way of gaining insight into what is lost. In conclusion, love becomes constant with friendship, but our realization of its immense significance is prompted by the void that becomes apparent in its absence.
PS: I composed this muse on Sunday, May 25, 2024, after a heavy meal of pounded yam with efo riro, panla,and igbin at a village near Oritamefa, close to Oritamejo, Oyo State. Some may accidentally read it as a follow-up to “The Feud.” https://heartofarts.org/the-feud/.
